


"That's not even funny."

by nxttime



Series: Batboys and Children [1]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Fluff, Gen, I love the batboys with kids okay, Impulsive writing, Tim and Dick come in near the end, but that's it, listen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-31 21:34:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18599845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nxttime/pseuds/nxttime
Summary: Jason broke his hand, a little girl got lost, and his brothers don't find his jokes funny.





	"That's not even funny."

Jason groaned, leaning against a wall, and cradled his broken hand close to his chest. Venom was a bullshit steroid and Jason officially hated it. One hundred percent, completely, utterly, _loathed_ it. Three thugs tripping on it was enough to give him a headache any day.

Walking out of the alley with aforementioned thugs, Jason was attacked by something tiny with a ponytail and blue bookbag.

“Mister Hood!” a high voice screeched. “Mister Red Hood!”

He blinked, then looked down at the koala attached to his chest.

What the fuck.

“Uhh… Hi there,” was all his brain could work out.

“Mister Hood!” the girl screamed again.

_Ow. Ears._

“Yes, hi, that’s me.” Jason kneeled to the ground and the little girl released him, stepping back to reveal a wobbly lip and watery eyes.

Jason’s brow creased as his brain started working again. “What’s wrong, kiddo?”

“M-my mom and dad. I donno where they went.” She sniffed and scrubbed an arm over her nose. “I just want my mommy and daddy.”

And, shit, now she’s crying again.

“C'mere.” Jason hugged the girl close, making sure not to jostle his broken hand. “I’ll help you find your parents. How’s that sound, huh? Can you tell me your name?”

The girl nodded and sniffed, her head on Jason’s chest.

“Lily. Lily Maher.”

Jason nodded against her back and pulled away again, moving his good hand to take the helmet off. It was meant to frighten crooks, not scared kids.

He smiled at the girl once it was off and held out his hand. “Hi, Lily. I’m the Red Hood, but you can call me whatever you want.”

Lily giggled and shook his hand, wiping at her eyes with her other arm.

“I can call you… Petey?”

_Alarmingly close to my middle name, but alright then._

Jason winked. “I’d be honored to be called Petey, Miss Lily.”

He straightened, tucking the helmet under an arm, and held Lily’s hand as he started walking her down the street to an alley where he’d stashed his bike.

Lily hummed, kicking a rock.

“Mr. Petey?”

“Yes Miss Lily?”

“How’re you gonna help me find my mommy?”

_Fucking superb question, kid._

Jason couldn’t exactly tell her he didn’t know where to start, so he asked, “Well, do you know where you live?”

Lily nodded and listed her address like she was reading it from a script. Good parents, then. They had a protocol.

“Damn, kid,” Jason whistled. “How’d you end up here? We’re pretty far from your place.”

She made a face. “School trip. I got lost…”

_Ah._

Jason nodded. “Okay.”

Lily’s hand remained in Jason’s as they walked down the sidewalk toward Jason’s motorcycle, and she spoke up again.

“Mr. Petey?”

“Yes Miss Lily?”

“How old are you? You look like my brother Jordan. He’s sixteen.”

Raising a brow, Jason looked down at her, smiling a little. “Well I’m not sixteen, I’ll tell you that.”

“But you _are_ young, right?”

“Do I look it?”

_“Duh.”_

Her response made Jason laugh as they reached the bike. He helped her onto it before taking a seat behind her and staring the engine, digging around in the medical box he had attached to it for a brace to put his hand in.

“Well,” he answered, handing her his helmet after making sure the brace was on tight and would suffice in the meantime, “I guess I’m young then. Put this on. Safety first, Miss Lily.”

Lily rolled her eyes but let Jason put the helmet on, ooh-ing when the lenses turned activated, and he turned her so that she was facing him.

“Hold to me tight, Miss Lily.”

The girl leaned forward and again attached herself to him like a mini koala.

Satisfied that she was as secure as he could manage, Jason revved the bike and shot out of the alley like a bullet, going fast enough to zip past cars and buildings so that they were nothing more than flashes in his vision but slow enough that he could maneuver safely.

He’d gone faster.

Lily squealed and tightened her arms around him, and a laugh rumbled deep in Jason’s chest.

“I did say to hold tight, didn’t I?”

“Mr. Petey!” Lily scolded. “You’re going really fast!”

“Do you want me to slow down?”

“No! But you’re going fast!”

He laughed again and continued to weave his way through traffic.

Twenty minutes later Jason was bidding Lily goodbye, telling her parents that, no, it was no trouble getting her home, yes he was sure, no he didn’t need anything in return, and that he and his brothers would be happy to be part of any contingency plans for the kids.

As he drove off, now wearing his helmet, he activated his comms again and said, “Uh, guys? I think… we’re going to be meeting a lot of kids from now on.”

It was silent for two minutes before Dick whispered, _“Jason, you know we love kids, but what have you done?”_

“Nothing! It’s Lily’s fault!”

Tim groaned, asking, _“Who the fuck is Lily?”_

“Hey, at least I didn’t adopt her.”

_“That’s not even funny.”_


End file.
